my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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