Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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