yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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