Betty ford says i'm here all night
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
