if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
