Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
