Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
