Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
