Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
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