I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My vagina is very pro this idea
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
