When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
