sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
