While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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