So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
