I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
