Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
dude. I can hear the air.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
