i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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