Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
