I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
