My Higher Power is John Stamos
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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