dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
