i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
my liver is dry heaving
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
