I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
