He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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