He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We don't watch enough power rangers
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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