He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
