It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
They have beer where we have blood.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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