Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
