I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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