The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
