I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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