I looked at my own cervix.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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