My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I love you. Go after that dick
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
