You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
