Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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