No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
