Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
