There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
