he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
