Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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