two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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