if you like me you must not know who I am
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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