There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
