she was so not down for the gang bang
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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