My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She bit a glass in half.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
