If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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