i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
