JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
