apparently the secret to your success is patron
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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