Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
