you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
