I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
